One of my favorite sports writers, Bill Simmons, noticed last week that Kobe Bryant had added the Testicle Dance to his celebration repertoire after hitting a late (seemingly game clinching) 4th quarter shot against the Spurs. Here’s the video:
For those not in the know, the Testicle Dance is intended to convey that the dancer’s testicles are so freakishly large that he is forced to carry them around in his hands lest he endure chronic back pain and uncomfortable chafing.
Simmons, in his article, also correctly pointed out that Bryant lifted the dance from former NBA player and suspected alien life form, Sam Cassell (pictured above).
However, I felt it important to set the record straight about the actual origins of the testicle dance. The dance was actually created in the movie Major League II (1994) by Isuro “Kamikaze” Tanaka. During a prolonged slump, Tanaka attempts to motivate struggling hitter Pedro Cerrano (otherwise known as the President in 24) by screaming at him, “You have no…. You have no… Marbles! You have no marbles!” He frequently points to Cerrano and gestures to his own invisible oversized testicles.
A peeved Cerrano responds by hitting a walk-off homer and doing the Testicle Dance while trotting to first base.
So, I hope this settles this debate once and for all. Many sports fans, such as myself, are eternally grateful for the existence of the Testicle Dance. This unique genitalian expression is clearly the singular life accomplishment of actor Takaaki Ishibashi (Tanaka), and it’s about time that he received the due credit and adulation. This man has marbles.
