No I’m not suggesting we ban Mariah Carey’s attempt at movie making. Nor do I mean the harmless, though annoying, glitter graphics people add to their Myspace and Friendster pages. Finally, I’m not suggesting we waste our valuable legislative time banning Paris Hilton’s addition to the already overly saturated perfume industry. I’m making a simple request. Ban that stupid, little bitty, sparkly crap that they attach to greeting cards. All other forms of fairy dust are fine by me. After all, we Meppers hate the War on Drugs.
Let’s get down to brass tacks. You see that card in Target and you think, “gee that’s pretty and sparkly! I think grandma will love it!” You don’t think of all the future negative side effects of that decision.
1) Negative health effects of secondhand glitter
To create that card and get it to the shelf of your local Target, thousands of migrant workers had to mine that glitter.* The health effects to those workers and their families is shameful. Additionally, every day thousands of trucks transport glitter and risk a glitter spill in the natural breeding grounds of the Gunnison Sage-Grouse.**
2) The lingering glitter effect
You give the glittery card to bring joy to grandma. But do you really mean for the joy to keep on giving? Coming off on her hands, getting on her face, in Snookum’s fur? And it doesn’t stop there. The glitter cannot be removed and multiplies, so that it shows up in new places every day.
3) Glitter Reduction
Then guess what? Grandma’s local neighborhood’s senior van takes her to the grocery store where she touches the oranges to see if they are fresh. GLITTER
They then take her to the library where she touches the books looking for a new one to read to her grandchildren. GLITTER
Finally, they take her to the local petting zoo where she touches the animals…to pet them…anyway. GLITTER
In closing I must add that despite my vehement arguments for a glitter ban, I would like to support a person’s right to glitter in private settings where the impact on other people is limited. However, due to the inherent properties of glitter, its effects cannot be controlled– and like a parasite born on the back of a monkey, so does the glitter escape the confines of the home destined to spread. If a ban is too extreme, please consider petitioning Meadowbrook Inventions. There is no way that Rushman, a lowly cattle farmer turned inventor of glitter, could have foreseen the destruction and angst his creation would cause. I think Oppenheimer said it best, “I am become death…the destroyer of worlds.” I think it says it all that glitter and the atomic bomb were both created in the 1930’s after the Great Depression. I only hope that our current economic downturn doesn’t lead to some new form of terror.
————————————–
*This is not true
**Neither is this
