This song speaks to the relief felt by many (including Yours Truly) that our world is temporarily in the hands of the competent.

Strange yet addicting website Art of the Title features particularly eye-catching opening credit sequences. This one is from a 60s spy movie called Danger: Diabolik and it makes me want to relieve myself into my monitor.

There...are...FOUR...rings!

“Italian and British scientists want to exhume the body of 16th century astronomer Galileo for DNA tests to determine if his severe vision problems may have affected some of his findings.”

So as I understand it, the scientists want to find this out so they can fail the same way he did.  They’re not interested in dealing with his successes, you see.  Only his failures.

…

…because this will prove at least we can screw up as much as a genius, right?

Who’s with me?

Please tell me I didn’t hear what I thought I heard…

Even fisting, hmm? Oh you lovably zany Fox affiliates. Where would awkward on-camera mediocrity be without you?

One of my favorite sports writers, Bill Simmons, noticed last week that Kobe Bryant had added the Testicle Dance to his celebration repertoire after hitting a late (seemingly game clinching) 4th quarter shot against the Spurs. Here’s the video:

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I thought this movie seemed familiar…

Useful tutorial brought to you by shlock warehouse, Everything is Terrible.

This could not have been an easy decision for the lord almighty. But ultimately, this Kurt Warner arts and crafts project (pictured below) won the necessary divine favor to advance to the Superbowl…

Someone might argue that Jesus wouldn’t particularly warm up to this three-headed Cerberus-looking chimera that the All-Pro Quarterback has sketched here. But, then again, this man is the alternative:

Eagles’ defensive back Brian Dawkins makes several mistakes in this piece. First of all, praying to a football is probably something that would piss off Jesus. Not to mention the fact that there are 24 footballs in play in the average NFL playoff game. So, while your personal football deity is being toweled off on the sidelines, some Unclean Heretical Football is making friends with Larry Fitzgerald.

Also, I’m pretty sure that Wolverine does not appear anywhere in the New Testament.

Not to mention his dabbling in voodoo rituals to ward off opponent field goals. Talk about mixing metaphors. These Eagles have gone well beyond the divine in a desperate effort to conjure a Superbowl ring.

Maybe next year Mr. Dawkins should try playing football the way that Jesus would. And that is to say, not at all.

In the strangely prophetic movie Demolition Man, all restaurants are Taco Bells (Tacos Bell?). Apparently Taco Bell was the final victor in the “franchise wars” that Sandra Bullock’s character describes as one of the key events of the early 21st century.

Welcome to the future, friends. Today, the internet at large reported that Circuit City has joined KB Toys, Linens and Things, and The Sharper Image in the ever-growing elephant graveyard of defunct franchises.

And to this commentator, a much more interesting question than “Who’s next?” is “Who’s last?” Who will ultimately win the franchise wars and provide all of our goods and services in our soon-approaching distopian, fascist, future state?

The good money is on Wallmart, or SuperWallMart, or even UltraMegaBigHappyFunTimeWallmart. But there are other contenders as well. Best Buy may decide to raid Time Warner in a bid to turn off the Internet and starve out Amazon.com. Anne Taylor may surreptitiously place explosives in all of the hoop earrings at JCPenny. The possibilities are endless. And I look forward to all of them.

Groundbreaking research out of the University of Iowa today has confirmed what many have long suspected: most babies are clinically depressed.

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