I’ve heard there’s an uproar about Nadya Suleman having octuplets. So, as the resident MEP mother I thought I should weigh in and risk putting my hugely opinionated, extremely feathery opinion out there. However, I don’t want to single out Suleman. Yes I know she’s mentally unbalanced and will soon channel all of Storey’s and Russ’ tax money into more Angelina Jolie lip implants (this should be reason enough to dispise her for ruining my bisexual Jolie fantasies). However, that’s not why we should be alarmed and therefore we should not only focus on her.
I would like to speak about all parents that have more than four children…on purpose. Everyone from Suleman to my neighbor with his seven kids and five babies’ mommas. Now, I say four with the assumption that there are two parents: mom/dad, mom/mom, dad/dad, cheech/chong. Since Suleman demonstrates that even single parents can be irresponsible, I will say two children per parent. Think of it as the “holding the hands” theory (copyright pending). You can only have one child for each hand. Please note that I am still in negotiations with the Amputee Coalition to see how best to integrate their members into my theory.
Moving on. Why do I feel this way?
1) Because as a mother of one, I can tell you that if you have too many children, you cannot give each of them the amount of time and attention that they require.
2) Because as a former child of two neglectful parents, I can tell you that if you cannot give each of them the amount of time and attention they require, then you are neglecting them.
3) Because as a former social worker and mandated reporter, I can tell you that if you neglect your children, you are abusing them.
During a “Today” interview last december, the mother from “17 (no wait 18) and counting” said the following idiotic statement: “saying there’s too many children is like saying there are too many flowers. You just can’t have too many.” She then finished with a plug for their forthcoming episode airing that evening. Well, to Michelle, I would like to respond. Yes…Yes, there can be too many flowers.
1) Yes, flowers are precious and therefore deserve as much attention as we can give them. Since there are only 24 hours in the day, mathematics tell me that more flowers=less time with each flower. Please note that gardeners also need time for themselves and time with other gardeners so that they can continue to grow as gardeners and ensure that their gardening relationship continues to grow. This metaphor might be getting away from me. Therefore I must give a reference.
2) You know what else is precious? Animals, humans, trees, oceans, hot tubs…oh my, how I could go on. Anyway, guess what? If you have too many flowers, the earth can’t sustain all those other forms of life/joy. An all-flower covered earth might make a nice tree ornament (yes, oh yes they exist), but I wouldn’t want the real thing.
3) You know what else we can have too many of? Parents that have more children than they can take care of. I don’t think TLC and the viewing audience can feed them all. Nor can the donations of strangers or the tax dollars of your neighbors.
So a suggestion to all those considering having your fifth, six, or nineteenth child: there’s a nursery (no, not that kind) right down your street. Buy some flowers, plant them, and spend your “extra” time with them…when you’re not attending to the children you already have. An overburdened health care system thanks you.
