Here’s some footage of an unusually jubilant Storm Trooper the day after Lando, Wedge, and company destroyed the second Death Star.

What with all the faux-fervor over the “rushed stimulus bill,” and the general attitude of panic that grips our Chicken Little demographic, I thought we might all take a deep breath and observe something absurdly slow and deliberate…

Be vewy vewy quiet!

In case you haven’t already heard, a British and French nuclear-powered submarine collided about two weeks ago in the mid-Atlantic, though apparently nothing serious happened (otherwise I have a suspicion we would have, er, noticed).  But you’ll be happy to know that the crack investigators of the respective militaries have just figured out why:

“The accident probably happened because the two submarines were not aware of each other.”

Oh, crazy veteran military investigators!  Is there anything you can’t figure out?

Internet cartoonist, Dan Meth, created this chart of movie trilogy relative goodness.

In my opinion, his ratings are stunningly accurate. Yes, X-Men III and Terminator III were utter crap. However, I liked Batman Forever (the third installment) better than he did, especially given that it was followed up by the single worst movie of all time, Batman and Robin:

Also, Superman III tends to be undervalued by critics because of its light-heartedness. Not only does it feature comedy Demi-God Richard Pryor, but included this scene that scared the everloving crap out of me as a kid:

Anyway, well done Meth Man.

ABC is reporting that Blackwater, violence outsourcer, has officially changed its name to Xe. Human rights advocates rejoiced at the news that no company named Blackwater exists any longer. Protesters of corporate death manufacturers have not scored a victory this big since Philip-Morris began a new assuredly benign existence as Altria.

In an unrelated story, shootings reported in Southern Los Angeles (formerly South Central) are from now on to be referred to as “Fluffy Bunnies.” City officials look forward to discussing the latest uptick in Fluffy Bunnies at their semantics symposium next week.

I’ve heard there’s an uproar about Nadya Suleman having octuplets.  So, as the resident MEP mother I thought I should weigh in and risk putting my hugely opinionated, extremely feathery opinion out there.  However, I don’t want to single out Suleman.  Yes I know she’s mentally unbalanced and will soon channel all of Storey’s and Russ’ tax money into more Angelina Jolie lip implants (this should be reason enough to dispise her for ruining my bisexual Jolie fantasies).  However, that’s not why we should be alarmed and therefore we should not only focus on her.

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Apparently I was a little bit behind the curve in catching up to Forgetting Sarah Marshall. Not only is the movie the funniest thing I’ve seen in recent memory, (possibly because it reminds me of certain unnamed events in my personal history) but it features this British caricature who, as it turns out, is a freakishly talented improv comic. Observe:

Here’s some footage from last night’s Letterman interview with an “I’m extremely over this,” Joaquin Phoenix. Only a super-genius like Andy Kaufman could have crafted this kind of unintentional comedy. Without him, we simply have to wait for fed-up starlets to stumble onto a talk show while on Quaaludes.

Hopefully we’ll see more of this in the future, as it was infinitely more entertaining than the usual dog and pony nonsense you get from Late Night.

Genius.  Extra points if you can figure out what he’s saying at the very end.

Having a hard time memorizing playing cards while spending all day plotting to kill your doctor’s family? Now you can do both in one easy tutorial!

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