Last week, our solar system’s friendly neighborhood giant, Jupiter, took a shot to the mid-section for its little blue buddy, planet Earth.

Or, for those of you who prefer Conan the Barbarian scored imagery, there’s this animation piece from the last Jupiter as Kevlar event, the Shoemaker-Levy job.

Despite this rock-solid video evidence (if it’s on YouTube it must be true, musn’t it?) some heretics at the Daily Galaxy are claiming that our cosmic protector is of the Lenny variety: He’ll help you out of a jam one day and smother your rabbits the next. They claim that old Jupy is just as likely to direct space debris towards us than to play Milky Way Snow Plow.

Allegedly, Jupiter’s gravity is a neutral force that doesn’t respect the sovereignty of the US or the World Wrestling Entertainment Federation, or any of the Symbols of our Great Hegemony. Meanwhile, the spirit of Kate Smith is singing God Bless America while lactating Cheese Wiz into a hollowed-out eagle skull, and Jupiter couldn’t be bothered.

What utter bullshit. I think it’s time to end this passive-aggressive, co-dependent, nonsense, and start taking control of our own destiny. Clearly, we have got to find a way to make Jupiter mirror our orbit permanently, and take a few more for the team.

I say we start with sanctions. That should loosen em up. If that doesn’t work, we nuke Greece. This will prevent any more ancient peoples from deifying a giant, ambivalent, non-devoted-to-our-protection, planet.

In summary: step it up, Jupiter. Lead, follow, or get out of the way. Or, you know, stay in the way. Just pick a side.

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