The Doctor is In
Last week, I earned a Doctorate of Immortality from the Universal Life Church. Already an ordained minister of the church at the fertile age of 21 (one of the few tens of millions), I decided to take the plunge and focus my studies on the infinite. Though happy to have returned to the corporeal world with my degree, I assure you that the trials of an Immortalist are not to be taken lightly.
The student of immortality must not simply be of a robust constitution. The prospective Immortalist must be of sound mind, and fearless countenance. The perils of this study are not to be overlooked. According to research conducted by the Council of Continuous Being, one out of every four immortality students is lost forever to the Oblivion Chant, a course pre-requisite. Others can become trapped in the Inner Circle of Thought, while still others are doomed to course repetition in the Chamber of Reflection.
Here is a some exclusive footage from one of the first Immortalist course offerings, undertaken by a young, Kansas-bred, journalism student…
Remember, the life of an Immortalist isn’t all flying around firing eye lasers and joyously decapitating classmates. A true Immortalist devotes himself to the practice of living forever. And that cannot be done in a day, or even over a three-day weekend.
Congratulations! I always wanted to say that my son is a doctor. Now I can say my son is a doctor, a superhero, and a relative of Marlon Brando.
THIS NEW RELIGION OF YOURS (ACHEM, CHUCKLE, CHUCKLE), DO THEY AT LEAST HAVE SOME SORT OF BAR MITZVAH EXTRAVAGANZA TO LEGITIMIZE IT? IF SO PLEASE FORWARD DETAILS OF WHEN AND WHERE AND WHAT TO WEAR.