Faced with the prospect of becoming the most popular weekend pastime in the United States, the National Football League is taking drastic steps to withdraw from public view.
As reported by Time Magazine last week, the NFL has adopted a “blackout” policy, preventing local fans from viewing their team’s games if the game in question fails to sell out its tickets.
In the face of harsh criticism, NFL Commissioner, Roger Goodell, stood tough last week as he explained to the media that simply too many American moods hinged on a professional football result.
“It’s just too much pressure,” Goodell admitted.
Noting an unprecedented increase in NFL player-related violent crimes, Goodell blamed the American public for getting his employees all riled up.
“First Plaxico shoots himself in the leg, then Donte gets hopped up on goofballs and runs somebody over. Shawne Merriman just tried to lock himself in his basement with Tila Tequila. Can’t you see that you’re tearing us apart?”
Wiping back tears, the Commissioner continued:
“We used to have a nice little league. Football was a fun little Sunday jaunt in the park with leather helmets and a few friends. But then you had to care soooo much! You had to craft your little foam fingers and cheeseheads and spiked shoulderpads. What kind of self-respecting person wears a silver killer robot zombie costume to a local sporting match? Is that what we’re supposed to look like? Is it?!? ” Goddell whimpered.
According to Goodell, the blackout policy is intended to slowly wean the American public off of football for the time being.
“We…just need a break. We need time to work out our issues. We would really appreciate it if you stopped watching us on television if you’re not coming to the games. Don’t call us, don’t e-mail us, and please take us off of your facebook page. Look, there are other things going on in the world. I’ve heard that there’s some kind of national healthcare thing that you can go make yourself crazy over. If you really love us, you need to give us some time.”
With that quote, Commissioner Goodell retreated into his NFL executive tour bus to consult with his girlfriends. Press were advised to delete his cell phone number from their records and “grow up.”
