Why, yes, sir, I am a jackass.
From Droogie at Daily Kos comes a new and exciting competition (we here at The Mep Report take no obvious position on the content herein. You’ll all just have to read between the lines for yourselves…):
The Out-Dick Jim Bunning Contest!
So, here’s a few of the things I’ve done over the past few days to prove my dick credentials, in my ongoing efforts to out-dick Jim Bunning.
Our personal favorites:
- Hung around outside a soup kitchen and cock-punched the homeless.
- Ate king-sized Butterfingers, deep-fried and wrapped in bacon outside the window of a weight loss center.
- Designed a fully-functional Puppy Incinerator, that can engulf 55 puppies in a clutch of flame every 30 seconds.
- Downgraded the Puppy Incinerator to make it less energy efficient and capable of producing four times as much carbon dioxide, sulfur dioxide and mercury, which is all sequestered in a poorly insulated vault located at a children’s playground.
- Drove right into a puddle of water and road grime, splashing a busload of stranded single mothers carrying babies whose vehicle had broken down on the side of the road.
- Posted videos on Youtube that claim to have new movies and music, but which really contain some techno song and footage from an anime cartoon.
- Promised I’d give Conan O’Brien my late night talk show, then reneged years later.
- Denied health care coverage to a toddler, claiming his broken leg was a pre-existing condition. He was born with the leg, after all.
- Stood right next to another man at a row of urinals, even though there was plenty of room for a buffer zone unused urinal.
- Heated up my cream of tuna with garlic sauce soup in the office microwave, then just left it there.
- Told a gay employee that he’s free to do whatever he wants around the office, provided he gives me fashion advice and doesn’t “mince around too much.”
- Borrowed someone’s car, then parked it across three handicapped spaces, then claimed the parking ticket and massive key-gash across the hood were both there before I borrowed the car.
- Watched an old lady try unsuccessfully to shovel snow off her car from my heated apartment building, sipping coffee and laughing uproariously.
- Yelled out the ending to “Shutter Island” to a line of movie patrons standing at the ticket counter — after they’d bought tickets.
- Started the Facebook group, “If 1,000,000 people join this group, I’ll continue feeding my cat.”
- Every time it snows, I yell, “That Al Gore is full of shit, man.”
