Those of us who live in the phony-baloney, ocean-adjacent America know little of John Boehner. Of course, we’ve heard the tales of his 27-hour workdays whittling American Jobs out of plain fir wood in his Ohio-based Opportunity Laboratory. We’ve heard of his quest to bio-engineer a giant human ear that is to be staked to his chest cavity so he may finally Listen to America in the way that we never could. And perhaps, it is because of our inferior listening skills that we’ve never before heard his suffering.

Nor have we before seen the orange-colored juices flow from his Starburst flavored tear ducts. The sweet nectar that tastes like Sunny Delight infused with Mango Essences, and goes down like a pure dose of American Entrepeneurism (mental note: we cannot continue to use that gussied-up French expletive to describe True American Enterprise).

This man will obviously become much more than the Speaker of the House, third in line to rule our Great Empire of Tire Outlets and 99 Cent Superstores. He will become a Champion of Citrus, a Bastion of Breakfast Sides, and a Justicer of Juice.

If our Nation could merely taste of his Patriotic Fruits. If we could but sample a droplet of his Reverent Weeping, we would know truth. And truth, my friends.. is oh so fragrant. Like a cantaloupe.

Originally posted on The Daily Kos.

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