Who knew that the Intrawebs not only served your basic research needs, but your Fabio rose-toting needs as well?

This low-budget ridiculousness brought to you by crap purveyor, Everything is Terrible.

I know many would say that voice recognition has come into its own.  I know that use of a “speech-enabled system” saves companies money which OF COURSE means price cuts for us the consumers.

BUT I HATE IT!!!!

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A hearty congratulations are in order. Ashton Kutcher’s Twitter feed reached the pinnacle of uselessness this week when it became the first to garner 1,000,000 subscribers

Enjoy the pandering for Twit sign-ups as his mom/spouse, Demi Moore, scolds him for getting too worked up in his electioneering.

In narrowly beating out CNN to the million mark, Kutcher will now undoubtedly hold a virtual monopoly on the dissemination of Twit-centric retellings of mongoloid celebrity Punkings.

Hooray.

You will now learn more about magnetic fields than you have absorbed in your entire lifetime up to this moment… Don’t fight it.

This Rocketboom episode gives us a classic example of an Internet TV mismatch:

We have the too-hot-for-her-environs girl interviewing the SuperNerd (personified by Bre Pettis).

The too-hot girl neither cares nor understands what’s going on. Her primary function is to look as hot as possible and anchor the male demographic in place.

SuperNerd tries vainly to entertain her with his various half-built gadgets and Star Wars collectables.

She perfunctorily tries to move the interview along. He lamely tries to hold her eye contact. She tries to not visibly look disgusted.

Welcome to Internet TV.

Great tongue in cheek enviro-themed video from production company Three Legged Legs…

Gerontologist Aubrey de Grey is at it again. In an article from the Daily Galaxy, de Grey claims that, “…most people now 40 years or younger can expect to live for centuries…” and ““The first person to live to be 1,000 years old is certainly alive today..”

1,000 years? Hold your horses there, Methuselah. Laserfalcon only claims to be on his way to 400 years of life. If many of us have got ten centuries of existence to plan for, we’re going to have to really start working on our leisure time skills. I mean, yes, I’ve played over 1000 games of MVP 2005, but that barely got me through three months of total existence.

It’s time to really push the envelope. We’ve got to develop more efficient ways of wasting time, and fast. And, when it comes to questions such as these, I often look to the Japanese. They rarely disappoint.

And so, we have immortal leisure activity #1, Human Tetris:

This could occupy societies for a few decades, perhaps. But eventually, someone would figure out that you can smash through the styrofoam with reckless abandon and never be eliminated…

So, let’s see what else the Japanese have for us:

Yes. Yes… Mmmmhmm. I find this appealing.

…
…

Ehhh, what?

Ah… my supervisory staff has informed me that I’ve spent the last 16 hours acting out various Ronald MacDonald-fueled hallucinations. They found me head-butting a barber-shop pole while throwing very large shoes at passers by. I need to shake this off and ponder immortality another time.

Well played, Japanese pop culture. Well played.

The well known Xinhua Province Television Network is reporting that the Chinese government is cracking down on online gamers.

Government tactics include random internet disruptions for citizens under 30, rationing the national supply of Cheetos and Dr. Pepper, and distributing free samples of heroin.

Other news outlets are reporting that a mammoth Chinese government project is underway to create an MMORPG-wide-government-sponsored gank group. The gank group, run by the Chinese Communist Party (CCP) would be designed to “grief” addicted gamers to the point of forcing them to either quit gaming or throw their computers out the window.

Not to be outdone, the Americans are working on their own elite team of griefers:

Found an internet ally against the Twits. Go Supernews! (Though their embed link appears to be finnicky).

All this talk about our soon-to-be-dead-language reminded me of the “1337 sp3ak” phenomenon.

Here’s your first lesson: