In this putrid economy, searching a job via the internet can be a very self destructive exercise. Application e-mails get lost in the void like so many pieces of space garbage, orbiting the neglected inbox of some pimply quasi-intern, who’s been tasked with the responsibility of reading through a thousand thousand pleas to be interviewed for the opening on the turd-polishing team.
Well, friends, seekers, here is the first tool in your toolbox to combat this trend. I give you the anti-rejection e-mail template:
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Dear Overstressed Manager of Applications,
I realize that this is but one of literally thousands of e-mails you receive on a weekly basis requesting entry into your project. I cannot imagine what sort of voodoo-esque speed-reading rituals you must have developed over the course of your training to deal with this reality.
Perhaps, as a consummate Scrabbble player, you only invite in applicants whose names feature ‘X,’ ‘Q,’ and ‘Z’ prominently. Perhaps you print out the e-mails and craft paper dirigibles, powered by microwaved popcorn vapor, to see whose can reach the cubicle furthest along the horizon.
It is not meant for me to know these things. But having briefly spoken to the standing Chieftain of the Overstressed Manager of
E-mails, I got the sense that you had paltry little time to listen to an individual plead their case for entry, no matter the circumstance.
And yet, here I am pleading such a case. You, sir or madam, would do well for yourself to invite me in for a meeting. I am not a random spamling of an e-mail sender. I am a transcendent talent, the likes of which Overstressed Managers such as yourself spend a lifetime in an utterly futile pursuit of.
E-mails like this do not end up in your lap willy-nilly. You have just won the Grand Powerball Lottery of anonymous e-mails. I suggest you act on it immediately, and craft a mighty paper dirigible that files striaght and true over the heads of awestruck cubiclees everywhere.
I await your very personalized and heartfelt response…
Sincerely,
Your Name Here
