The well known Xinhua Province Television Network is reporting that the Chinese government is cracking down on online gamers.

Government tactics include random internet disruptions for citizens under 30, rationing the national supply of Cheetos and Dr. Pepper, and distributing free samples of heroin.

Other news outlets are reporting that a mammoth Chinese government project is underway to create an MMORPG-wide-government-sponsored gank group. The gank group, run by the Chinese Communist Party (CCP) would be designed to “grief” addicted gamers to the point of forcing them to either quit gaming or throw their computers out the window.

Not to be outdone, the Americans are working on their own elite team of griefers:

Once upon a time, I participated in an MMORPG called Dark Age of Camelot.

My character was a precocious half-elf champion with the unlikely name of Skystrider Antilles. He, and other Mep House avatars vigilantly defended the lands of Hibernia.

But that is a tale for another time. Today I want to share an old piece of short fiction that stemmed from DAOC lore and my frustrations with ISP provider, SBC Yahoo!

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Why haven’t you told me that this exists? I demand to know now. This is clearly my destiny — to be the greatest Chess Fighter in the world. The only way to start is to hire a Thai Guru that makes me kick a palm tree until my shins bleed, then demands a recitation of Sicilian variations.

Someone needs to establish a US league, and pronto.

That’s some A+ production value for a random Swede-like Euro creation. I am ever increasingly impressed with this.

Neat little timeline of the history of video games. A few glaring omissions include Intellivision (my first personal gaming system), Commodore 64 (a competitor in the cartridge gaming market), and Turbo Graphx 16 (the red-headed stepchild of the Super Nintendo). Also, the Super Nintendo pictured in the piece looks to me like a model of the Super Famicom, the Japanese counterpart.

A Short Visual History of Videogames from Kyle Downes on Vimeo.

Welcome to NOW PLAYING, a column where I’ll be covering the new games releases of the week.  Normally, I’d weed out the garbage and focus on the gems, but we’re in the middle of the post-holiday humdrums.  All the AAA titles have come and gone with Christmas, which means that the pickings are slim and I’m left rambling about shovelware.

Bigfoot: Collision Course (DS)
–  Upon seeing this listing, I was confused as to why anyone would produce a Bigfoot video game in 2009.  To his (its?) credit, Bigfoot had been part of the Power Team, a kickass group of crime fighters that included a barbarian and an anthropomorphic tomato.  But surely no person under the age of 20 actually remembered the monster truck.  I forgot to consider two crucial factors – (1) rednecks love monster trucks, and (2) Bigfoot currently has an Emmy-nominated (!) cartoon on the Discovery Kids Channel.  While these facts may justify the existence of this game, they definitely doesn’t justify your purchase.

CID The Dummy (PS2, PSP, Wii, PC)
–  Speaking of licensed games that are about a decade too late, here we have a 3D platformer starring a crash test dummy.  I had hoped that it would star the “famous” Canadian folk-rock band in some kind of wacky misadventure (or perhaps some kind of Guitar Hero-esque music game), but I was sadden to discover that the protagonist was just an actual crash test dummy.  I’m not entirely sure this game is actually coming out (since it doesn’t seem to exist in Gamestop database), but Amazon tenaciously claims that I can order it, so here it is.

Elebits: The Adventure of Kai & Zero (DS) – GAME OF THE WEEK

–  The original ELEBITS was an early title for the Nintendo Wii where you searched for strange energy-based creatures called Elebits.  It didn’t quite set the sales charts on fire, so Konami decided to move the franchise to the Nintendo DS.  In this 2D adventure, Kai searches the world for more Elebits in order to…  Well, I’m not quite sure why.  Let’s pretend that he’s searching for the cure to the global economic collapse.  In any case, the sprite-based art-style looks charming and the Ghostbusters Proton Pack-style game mechanics should be well suited to the DS stylus.  If you’ve got the “Got to Catch Them All” madness that I suffer from, this game will be right up your alley.

Fishing Master World Tour (Wii)
– I’m pretty sure there’s only been one awesome fishing game in the history of video games and that’s SEGA BASS FISHING for the Sega Dreamcast.  And really, that game only succeeds because of the ridiculous fishing controller shaped like an actual rod and tackle.  Sure, you’re just hunting digital fish, but when you actually have to crank the reel, there’s a sublime pleasure to be found.  I’m sure FISHING MASTER WORLD TOUR includes some kind of inane waggle controls, but it’s definitely not going to include a fishing controller.  Choose wisely, friends.

Jumble Madness (DS)
– I don’t like the Jumble when it comes in my Sunday paper, but that may be due to its proximity to Marmaduke.  Man, I hate that dog.  But if you like the jumble or giant orange dogs, this game may be for you.  (Giant orange dog may not be included with the game.)

Paws & Claws Pampered Pets (DS)
– Yet another of the hojillion cheap NINTENDOGS rip-offs that have flooded the gaming market.  I imagine you use the DS’ stylus to pamper your pets or something like that.  If you’re old enough to be reading this site, you should have no interest in this game.

Paws & Claws Pet Resort (Wii)
– The same garbage as above, except with waggle instead of stylus action.  That shouldn’t change your mind.  Unless you’re a 9 year old girl.

Saints Row 2 (PC)
– A PC port of the GTA-clone that managed to provide a better GTA experience than GRAND THEFT AUTO 4.  This game would normally be my Game of the Week, but after the debacle that was GTA 4 on the PC (summary: everything was broken), I think it’s better to wait and see if this game actually functions.  Nonetheless, it may be worth the risk to try out the greatest nut-kicking simulator ever created by man.

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Howard writes daily about video games and assorted pop culture at We’ll Fix It In Post.  New podcasts are posted every Friday.

There’s a general consensus on the internet that MVP 2005 (EA Sports) is the greatest baseball simulation ever created. Apparently, someone at EA chiseled a digital Rosetta stone that translates the grand old pastime into grand old pixels.

I have devoted the better part of my 20s to mastering this game.
The hardest difficulty, MVP Mode, requires such precise timing and patience, that I won’t start a game unless I’ve put myself in a true Zen State. Only a daily ration of bananas, Original Restaurant Style Mexicana Chips, and the finest Brita filtered tap water can put me into this rarefied mental zone.

And though my Owner’s Mode Chicago White Sox have won six consecutive championships (yes, this represents over 1,000 full games
played) and sport a winning percentage in the neighborhood of .850, I have not yet reached full achievement. You see, Owner’s Mode involves building a brand new stadium up from scratch. And the funds required to do this must be procured through a glorified Lemonade Stand-style game. Every hot dog, retro jersey, and women’s pregnancy team t-shirt must be priced and marketed to perfection. Every collectible calendar magnet giveaway must be precisely timed, and player payrolls kept in check.

And despite six seasons of unprecedented dominance, despite a roster of Proto-Gods who routinely hit .390 with 80 home runs and 200 RBIs per year, despite an entire rotation of Brendan Fraser/Steve Nebraska clones from The Scout (1998), I somehow have failed to capture the imagination of the city of Chicago.

You’re right, EA designers, $35 a ticket is simply too much to ask to see the greatest assemblage of ballplayers this side of Jesus Christ’s Annual HOF Invitational Softball game above the earthly firmament. Seriously? Are you freaking kidding me? I can’t sell out my stadium? What, in the name of Moses Fleetwood Walker are my digital Chicagoans doing with their free time? Is their some new SuperCrackoin epidemic in the 2012 Windy City that saps people of the will to go outdoors? Someone please tell me, because I’ve just defeated the rival Twins 23-2 to complete my ninth consecutive series sweep and no one seems to care.

Pass the bananas. It’s time for another futile attempt at immortality…

There are few things more fun than putting a close friend in front of the camera while he’s in his element. Not to mention the four press passes I scored so that we could attend ComicCon for free. Watch and enjoy…

For Tax Reasons was another undiscovered pair of uber-talented animators, languishing in obscurity. That is, until their short “I’m in Ur Manger Killing Ur Savior,” was featured on the front page of YouTube. Of course, that didn’t happen until I (and by proxy BBtv) found these guys and got a custom-made episode out of them:

The silliest 8-bit Adventure creation of mine… Yes, my narration voice here is somewhat similar to Byron Orpheus. I will grant you that.

Based on the success of the live-action mock sitcom, we decided to pursue a full-blown homemade animation starring CompuBeaver. I wrote the thing, and did the overblown VO of Lumberjack Mccune. We turned up the cheese factor to mimic bad Japanime. By all accounts, the result was a gigantic flop…