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Author and preventative medicine guru, Dr. Dean Ornish explains that our lifestyle affects our health for better or worse far more than our individual gene expression.
So if you kids out there want to live to 400, like your buddy Laserfalcon, you’d better start smoking the ganja and drinking in moderation.
Here we go again. Alex Rodriguez admits to substance abuse back in 2003, and the Cadre of Crusading Baby Boomer Moralist Sportswriters are again denouncing the current crop of MLB players (and the records they hold) as “tainted.” They are crying to the Baseball Heavens,
“Oh Mercy, Lawd! Take us back! Take us back to a time when baseball was played by the honorable and when records made sense! A time of purity! A time of nobility! We can’t stand the awful sight of these players who have no respect for basic rules and decency! Deliver us, Lawd!”
Scientists have recently discovered evidence of an immortal species of jellyfish. Apparently these little suckers revert to an adolescent phase after mating, and can do so ad infinitum. And you laughed at me when I said I was going to live to be 400!
Take heart, friends. It is now only a matter of time before we unlock the cellular secrets inside these Holy Hydrozoans and sell their special genetic heritage in an easily digestible liquid capsule that also serves as birth control while providing instant male enhancement.
By my watch, only another 65 years or so before we are all forever-living, constantly aroused quasi-squids, living in stasis tanks with wi-fi ready electrodes hooked up to each and every tentacle.
Kudos to HG Wells for figuring this out a century ago (minus the Cialis angle).
No I’m not suggesting we ban Mariah Carey’s attempt at movie making. Nor do I mean the harmless, though annoying, glitter graphics people add to their Myspace and Friendster pages. Finally, I’m not suggesting we waste our valuable legislative time banning Paris Hilton’s addition to the already overly saturated perfume industry. I’m making a simple request. Ban that stupid, little bitty, sparkly crap that they attach to greeting cards. All other forms of fairy dust are fine by me. After all, we Meppers hate the War on Drugs.
If Greg’s Leg Offends Him Cut it Off, An Offer Cancer Just Can’t Refuse, Kurt Warner Knows His Dante, Yes We Can Discuss the Inauguration, America is Marginally Worse Off (so America is in Huge Trouble), Money for Nothing (and Our Stocks for Free), America is Depressed and Storey Couldn’t be Happier, Clea Defends Shades of Gray, and Russ Still Thinks Most People are Stupid.
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Groundbreaking research out of the University of Iowa today has confirmed what many have long suspected: most babies are clinically depressed.
A shocking 83% of babies have been found to have the hallmark symptoms of a newly identified strain of depression. The numbers may be even higher among infants.
“When you think about it, it makes sense,” noted Steven Bernard, MD, part of a team that led the study. “Most people are able to cope with the struggles of life without breaking down crying multiple times a day. Babies are notorious for being unable to demonstrate these coping skills.”
Greg’s post reminded me of an old gambit I used to have called The No-Crud Bureau. This was something I made up in high school as a receptacle for all the junk that people would come up with (often in academic studies) that was so obvious as to defy description. And was somehow instead passed off as a stunning revelation.
I guess these days it would more likely go by something like the No-Shit Show, but I didn’t swear at that point in my high school career. The swearing would come later, with the jading experiences and the pathological liar and the hey-hey-hey.
So my own submission to the Bureau today is this stunning study:
Apparently, misbehaving teens may be at risk for major adulthood problems.
Really?
Why would people who tend to have trouble continue to tend to have trouble? Isn’t it more likely that their trouble would suddenly vanish for no reason? Wouldn’t their magical conversion to the age of majority instantly convey a restart of all past indiscretions?
I’m glad people spent the money it costs to track 3,500 people for 40 years to give us this scintillating information. Much better than trying to cure cancer or something inane.
Headbanging does create risk of brain damage, says study.
In related news: people who cut off one of their arms are one hundred percent more likely to have only one arm than those who don’t, scientists find.
The Sleep and Science Episode: Russ Dreams Bad Sci-fi Scripts, Comatose Revelations, Alpha-Wave Meditation Cults, Lucy Dreams, Greg Dreams of Zsa Zsa Gabor and Arnold Schwarzenegger Carrying a Pasta Machine, TMR Solves the Energy, Climate Crises and Iraq war Trifecta, and Time-Traveling Reverse-Psychology Nazi Ad Campaigns.
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