This Superbowl Sunday, as you’re huddling into your inflatable beer chairs with your Tostitos NachoMan helmet strapped firmly to your attentive brain cans, know this:
You are about to spend five to six hours watching an event in which you will see approximately twelve minutes of actual sport.
The rest of the time you will be a semi-conscious participant in the real event of the day. For, this day, America’s largest and most prestigious corporate advertisers will line up and attempt to sell you useless shit that you don’t need in a mind-bogglingly extravagant cavalcade of shilling.
Okay, I’m sorry. I’m sure this is a nice guy, and I’m glad he’s getting a chance to live the dream. But do you seriously mean to tell me that none of the other 11,999 entries into the EA Sports Jersey Creator Contest measured up to this design? Was it the “bullet-hole chic” which pushed this over the edge?
Seriously, a half-drunk Craig Sager could come up with something more stylish than this.
If Greg’s Leg Offends Him Cut it Off, An Offer Cancer Just Can’t Refuse, Kurt Warner Knows His Dante, Yes We Can Discuss the Inauguration, America is Marginally Worse Off (so America is in Huge Trouble), Money for Nothing (and Our Stocks for Free), America is Depressed and Storey Couldn’t be Happier, Clea Defends Shades of Gray, and Russ Still Thinks Most People are Stupid.
One of my favorite sports writers, Bill Simmons, noticed last week that Kobe Bryant had added the Testicle Dance to his celebration repertoire after hitting a late (seemingly game clinching) 4th quarter shot against the Spurs. Here’s the video:
This could not have been an easy decision for the lord almighty. But ultimately, this Kurt Warner arts and crafts project (pictured below) won the necessary divine favor to advance to the Superbowl…
Someone might argue that Jesus wouldn’t particularly warm up to this three-headed Cerberus-looking chimera that the All-Pro Quarterback has sketched here. But, then again, this man is the alternative:
Also, I’m pretty sure that Wolverine does not appear anywhere in the New Testament.
Not to mention his dabbling in voodoo rituals to ward off opponent field goals. Talk about mixing metaphors. These Eagles have gone well beyond the divine in a desperate effort to conjure a Superbowl ring.
Maybe next year Mr. Dawkins should try playing football the way that Jesus would. And that is to say, not at all.
This might only be of interest to USC and Patriot fans (neither of which I am, by the way), but this video is what it looks like when a guy from Southern California gets angry. Further proof that Russ is no Southern Californian, no matter where he lives at the moment.
There’s a general consensus on the internet that MVP 2005 (EA Sports) is the greatest baseball simulation ever created. Apparently, someone at EA chiseled a digital Rosetta stone that translates the grand old pastime into grand old pixels.
I have devoted the better part of my 20s to mastering this game.
The hardest difficulty, MVP Mode, requires such precise timing and patience, that I won’t start a game unless I’ve put myself in a true Zen State. Only a daily ration of bananas, Original Restaurant Style Mexicana Chips, and the finest Brita filtered tap water can put me into this rarefied mental zone.
And though my Owner’s Mode Chicago White Sox have won six consecutive championships (yes, this represents over 1,000 full games
played) and sport a winning percentage in the neighborhood of .850, I have not yet reached full achievement. You see, Owner’s Mode involves building a brand new stadium up from scratch. And the funds required to do this must be procured through a glorified Lemonade Stand-style game. Every hot dog, retro jersey, and women’s pregnancy team t-shirt must be priced and marketed to perfection. Every collectible calendar magnet giveaway must be precisely timed, and player payrolls kept in check.
And despite six seasons of unprecedented dominance, despite a roster of Proto-Gods who routinely hit .390 with 80 home runs and 200 RBIs per year, despite an entire rotation of Brendan Fraser/Steve Nebraska clones from The Scout (1998), I somehow have failed to capture the imagination of the city of Chicago.
You’re right, EA designers, $35 a ticket is simply too much to ask to see the greatest assemblage of ballplayers this side of Jesus Christ’s Annual HOF Invitational Softball game above the earthly firmament. Seriously? Are you freaking kidding me? I can’t sell out my stadium? What, in the name of Moses Fleetwood Walker are my digital Chicagoans doing with their free time? Is their some new SuperCrackoin epidemic in the 2012 Windy City that saps people of the will to go outdoors? Someone please tell me, because I’ve just defeated the rival Twins 23-2 to complete my ninth consecutive series sweep and no one seems to care.
Pass the bananas. It’s time for another futile attempt at immortality…
A quick little nod to Josh Hamilton’s performance in the All-Star Game’s Home Run Derby. Little did I know the firestorm it would create. MLB Advanced Media (i.e. Major League Baseball Attorneys) had YouTube take the video down for trademark infringement. I then sent a counter notice which persuaded the MLB legal team to reinstate the video.
The entire affair was recorded for posterity on Professor Lawrence Lessig’s blog…
