I received this flyer in today’s batch of junk mail. Apparently, there is now a (paid?) service that allows you to be a litigious dickhead even in the context of your fantasy baseball league.
On the one hand, this feels like proof that we finally have spawned too many attorneys in this country. On the other hand, I do like the idea of service industries evolving to the point that they exist only in digital contexts. It brings me one step closer to my dream of being a full-time, paid, fantasy baseball commissioner.
Richard Fleihr, 21, son of WWE Hall of Famer, Ric Flair, was arrested Sunday when officers found heroin inside his car. Apparently Fleihr was setting up for his patented double-axe handled syringe-injector suplex, when a Charlotte police officer executed a dramatic wrist lock immobilizer.
Though this was Fleihr’s first recorded smack-related arrest, he had been booked on a DUI less than two months ago, and was driving without a valid license. When the arresting officer pointed this out, Fleihr raised his hands to an invisible crowd and shouted “Wooooo!”
Out of abject frustration, I wrote this ditty about my fantasy baseball team. It is sung to the tune of “The Twelve Days of Christmas.”
On the first day of injury, my roto-squad gave to me…..
A Smoltz shoulder surgery.
On the second day of injury, my squad gave to me…
A Duschererererer Elbow
and a Smoltz shoulder surgery
On the third day of injury, my squad gave to me…
A Carpenter Pectoral,
A Duscherererer Elbow
and a Smoltz shoulder surgery.
On the fourth day of injury, my squad gave to me…
A Ricky Romero flame out
A Carpenter Pectoral
A Duschererer Elbow
and a Smoltz shoulder surgery.
On the fifth day of injury my squad gave to me…
a Tiiiiired Daisuke!
A Romero flame out
A Carpenter’s Pec
A Ducherererer Elbow
and a Smoltz shoulder surgery.
On the sixth day of injury, my squad gave to me….
Big Vlady Can’t Swing
A Tiiiiired Daisukeeeeeee!
A Romero flame out
A Carpenter’s Pec
A Duchererer Elbow
and a Smoltz shoulder surgery..
On the seventh day of injury, my squad gave to me…
A Thome back spasm
Big Vlady Can’t Swing
A Tiiiiired Daisukeeeeeeeee!
A Romero flame out
A Carpenter’s Pec
A Duschererererer Elbow
and a Smoltz shoulder surgery…..
On the eight day of injury, my squad gave to me…
A decrepit Travis Hafner
A Thome back spasm
A Vlady that can’t swing…
A Tiiiiiiired DAAAAAAIIIISUUUUKEEEEEEEEEE!!!
A Romero flame out
A Carpenter’s Pec
A Duscherererere Elbow
AND A SMOLTZ SHOULDER SURGERRRRYYYYYYY.
For more on chronically injured ballplayers, see this Mep Video.
According to Kotaku, any visitor to ESPN’s main page can input the legendary Konami Code and turn the world’s premier sports website into a haven for frolicking unicorns.
Unfortunately, it seems that ESPN has caught on and disabled the code. I’m sure some Contra-nostalgic web designer is being shit-canned as we speak.
Serious Emu points go to the first person who can find another website that responds to the Konami Code.
As you can tell by recent Mep postings, baseball season is just starting to really heat up. In honor of this weekend’s inaugural Yanks/Red Sox series, here’s a strange fan made video from the Star Wars Universe…
Somebody needs to tell the creator that Vader’s mask isn’t an articulated mouth. That effect creeps me out.
Behold, the cleverest man in Major League Baseball. King of jugglers, fire eaters, tongue curlers, and eyelid flippers everywhere, Tim Wakefield has made his professional sports career out of a parlor trick.
Wakefield is a sports anomaly. An aging, average-build pitcher who subsists solely on the basis of a trick pitch that he has mastered. He has literally improvised his way from mediocre AAA first baseman, to MLB mainstay.
Wakefield achieves all of this by virtue of his knuckleball, a pitch that is flung via fingertip to achieve nearly zero ball rotation and use the surrounding weather conditions to determine its final location. And so he thrives pitching in the dreary, rainy, windy climate of Boston.
It’s a pitch that can baffle the most skilled and coordinated people in the world. It has been known to throw off the timing of an entire team for weeks after dealing with its bends and dives.
Needing only a mere flick of the wrist to release the knuckler, Wakefield has the ability to pitch every two or three days, more often than a normal hurler. Wake can pitch in any situation, foul up the timing of virtually any hitter, and compete in a World Series caliber rotation.
The knuckle flick has earned Wakefield tens of millions of dollars in his 17-year career. In other words, it’s the world’s most valuable stupid human trick.
Today the New York Post is reporting that New England Patriots QB Tom Brady apparently went into a panic when some nearby paparazzi began taking photos of him and his girlfriend.
Brady was quoted as saying, “The bad men… Bad men point clicky things at Brady! Clicky thing steal soul! Brady friends stop bad men. Must stop. You use bangy thing against clicky thing.”
At Brady’s behest, his entourage opened fire at the SUV containing the paparazzi.
“Mmmm. Good friend. Brady not want see clicky thing again. Bring bad mojo to Brady village. We find clicky thing village, steal women. No more clicky babies. May Bell-O-Check be with us.”
In the Summer of 2006, Congress passed the Internet Gambling and Prohibition Act. To the chagrin of tens of millions of online poker players, the bill sought to restrict banks from allowing their customers to buy in to their preferred online poker sites.
Even though the bill didn’t impose any penalties on the individual poker player, it did seem to imply that the online poker player was doing something wrong, and possibly illegal. Major poker providers like Pokerstars continued to operate under the logic that the bill only outlawed games of chance. Poker, they argued, was a game of skill, and therefore not subject to this new ban.
Given the rising tide of fanboyo-fueled rage against the recent works of George Lucas, Kurtz is finally being recognized as one of primary forces behind the quality of the Holy Trilogy.
As it turns out, if old George hadn’t been steering the ship for Return of the Jedi, Darth Vader may have convinced Luke to rule the Empire alongside him. Also, Lando would have (rightfully) perished in the Death Star explosion, and the Ewoks would have all contracted forest ticks and be systematically exterminated by their rebel friends.
Oh well. At least we’ve got Kurtz’s new indie project, ‘77, to look forward to. May the Force be with him.
